god. my house wireless is so bloody bad -.- i have no idea why. so i got to blog as fast i can. grumbles.

been sick the past few days. haha. i think from thorpe park. arrived in spore yesterday, and spent yesterday all grumpy, cranky and whiney like a brat cos i was all sick and feeling like absolute shit. hahaha. but twas nice to be able to ring up screw, yipeng, anwar or my juniors any time. haha. was nice nice (((:

went out with yipeng tonight for dinner. bar hopped then ended up at mos where i met lydia. haha, feels abit odd to see lse ppl in spore. same feeling as seeing sporeans in london. hahaha. had yummy yummy tonkatsu with my crazy old friend who i used to hate so much, then ends up one of my closest and longest-lasting drama friends of the lot. hahaha, talked shit for damn long, spilled alot of secrets. oh how i miss our drinking days. haha.

i realise i have the most complicated friends around -.- not like i'm not complicated myself. ming says my soap operas are longer and more complicated than days of our lives. smirks. i wonder which is worse, doing things and tormenting yourself over what you did, or doing things and not giving a fuck care about what you did. hahaha. i wonder which one i am. sighs. though i actually don't think either are necessarily bad. just a different way of living your own life i suppose.

i think things turned out for the best. i like the way i'm living my life now. liable to no one. just that sometimes standing alone gets tiring, and i feel like falling.

i think ET is leaving me already. i feel less of the confusion, less of the conflicting emotions that i've come to associate with her. but i'm going to meet eleanor wong if i can, and i don't really want to let go of ET till i do. but other than ET, i'm doing as well on other issues. i might not be self-sufficient, just like ET, but here i have ppl who'll hold me, love me and ease the pain. they help alot. they soothe that pain. they are the cold water to the daze i've been in. the daze that was lent term. so many temptations, so many sins, so many possibilities to veer off my original path (not like that's a bad thing really). shrugs. i quite like veering off the path, being rash and impulsive. but it can be oh so lethal.

i'm rambling and talking in circles again.

flying in. seeing singapore. made me feel like such a stranger.

hello friend, since we're always on the topic of flaws. let me tell you one of mine. i choose friends who won't walk away. i have major abandonment issues. so if you want to walk, walk now. before i get too attached. haha. if you stay, i'll claim hakkasan soon. i'm getting better (: don't worry. i might not be self-sufficient, but i will find a way back onto my own two feet. by hook or by crook, with a helping hand here or there.

so you sail away

to a grey sky morning

peel the onion, peel peel the onion.

this onion is not going to change the core ever. i've done everything to maintain this core, and i'm happy with this core. but the layers are ever increasing, with each injury, each scar, the layers has increased, especially all the torment you put me through all these years. i just hope at the end of the day, someone can peel this many layered onion. otherwise i can say goodbye to my tree falling, my happily ever after. hah.

i somehow feel like i need to get drunk and do some stupid things. alcoholic i am. haha. i just need to feel that rush of ultimate escapism, which is the closest i get to the feeling of performing. that fleeting feeling of not being there, and yet feeling so alive, and so aware of everything. well alcohol gets u the first one la. haha. not so sure about the other 2. smirks.

i'm trying my best to not continue it. really. but sometimes when things get too much, the need to do it comes back. and i swore not to continue. so i must be strong.

i'm a person who believes that if there's a will there's a way. there's nothing i can't quite do if i put my mind to it :p and i shall. gahhhh.